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All the news! And a teaser from the book

April 11, 2014

It’s done! The copy-editing is complete, and the book has gone to layout. In just a few short weeks (eep!) we’ll be sending the file to print. Our publication date is… drum roll please…

May 30, 2014

If you haven’t signed up for our mailing list yet, you can do so now and to be notified by email when pre-orders open (which will be soon).

We sent out a survey to all our Indiegogo backers asking you how you want to be credited on the website, e-book and print book (depending on what you’re eligible for). The survey went out on our Facebook, by email and as an Indiegogo update, but a few people still haven’t responded. If you don’t respond, you won’t get your credit. We’re leaving the survey open for a few more days–until midnight on Monday, April 14–so if you haven’t filled it out yet and you want your credit, please go do it now!

We’re having book launch parties back-to-back, on May 30 in Vancouver, Canada, and May 31 in Portland, Oregon. Then we’re headed out to Atlanta Poly Weekend on June 6 to 8, where we’ll be leading workshops and Franklin will be giving a keynote. We’ll be sending out launch party info by email shortly.

If you’ve been following our Facebook page, you’ve been seeing snippets of what’s been cut from the book. For the first time, we’d like to share with you a teaser of what’s actually going to be in the book. Below is a short excerpt, and below that is the complete table of contents.

From Chapter 1: Starting the Journey:

It’s a story as old as time: Boy meets girl (or perhaps boy meets boy, or girl meets girl), they date, they fall in love. They pledge sexual and emotional fidelity, start a family and settle down to live happily ever after, the end. But the story often proves to be a fairy tale. All too often it continues on into misery, breakdown, separation, divorce, boy meets new girl. Lather, rinse, repeat.

In one common variant, boy meets girl, they settle down, one of them meets someone new, things get messy, dishes are thrown, hearts are broken. Or perhaps you’ve heard this version: Girl meets two boys, or vice versa. A tragic choice must be made. Someone is left heartbroken, and everybody is left wondering what might have been.

We propose that there is a different way to write this story. Boy meets girl, they fall in love, girl meets another boy, they fall in love, girl and boy meet another boy, girl meets girl, girl meets boy, and they all live happily ever after.

The word polyamory was coined in the early 1990s from the Greek poly, meaning ”many,” and the Latin amor, meaning “love.” It means having multiple loving, often committed, relationships at the same time by mutual agreement, with honesty and clarity. We know what you’re thinking: “Who does the laundry?” We’ll get to that in a bit.

Polyamory isn’t about sneaking off and getting some action on the sly when your girlfriend is out of town. Nor is it about dating three people and keeping everyone in the dark. It’s not about joining a religious cult and marrying a dozen teenage girls, or about having recreational sex while maintaining only one “real” relationship, or going to parties where you drop your keys in a hat.

Poly relationships come in an astonishing variety of shapes, sizes and flavors, just like the human heart. There are “vee” relationships, where one person has two partners who aren’t romantically involved with each other; “triad” relationships, where three are mutually involved; and “quad” relationships of four people, who may or may not all be romantically involved with one another. A relationship might be “polyfidelitous,” which means the people agree not to pursue additional partners. Or it may be open to members starting new relationships. A poly person might have one or more “primary” partners and one or more “secondary” partners, or recognize no rankings. They might have a “group marriage,” sharing finances, a home and maybe children as a single family.

Some people imagine that polyamory involves a fear of commitment. The truth is, commitment in polyamory doesn’t mean commitment to sexual exclusivity. Instead, it means commitment to a romantic relationship, with everything that goes along with that: commitment to being there when your partners need you, to investing in their happiness, to building a life with them, to creating happy and healthy relationships that meet everyone’s needs, and to supporting one another when life gets hard. Unfortunately, society has taught us to view commitment only through the lens of sexual exclusivity; this diminishes all the other important ways that we commit to one another. People who can’t commit to one person sure as hell can’t commit to more than one!

Polyamory isn’t the same thing as polygamy, which means having multiple spouses (most often in the form of polygyny, or multiple wives; sometimes in the form of polyandry, or multiple husbands). It’s not about keeping a harem, though we know some of you there in the back row were kind of hoping we’d go that way. It’s not the same as swinging, though some poly people also swing (as we discuss in chapter 17, on opening from a couple). And finally, it’s not about rampant promiscuity. Polyamorous relationships are relationships—with good times, bad times, problem-solving, communication…and, yes, laundry.

Table of Contents

Foreword by Janet W. Hardy, co-author of The Ethical Slut

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Part 1: What is polyamory?

1 Starting the journey

2 The many forms of love

3 Ethical polyamory

Part 2: A poly toolkit

4 Tending your self

5 Nurturing your relationships

6 Communication pitfalls

7 Communication strategies

8 Taming the green-eyed monster

Part 3: Poly frameworks

9 Boundaries

10 Rules and agreements

11 Hierarchy and primary/secondary poly

12 Veto arrangements

13 Empowered relationships

14 Practical poly agreements

Part 4: The poly reality

15 How poly relationships are different

16 In the middle

17 Opening from a couple

18 Mono/poly relationships

19 Sex and laundry

20 Sexual health

21 Poly puzzles

22 Relationship transitions

Part 5: The poly ecosystem

23 Your partners’ other partners

24 Finding partners

25 The rest of the world

Last words: Love more, be awesome

Glossary

Notes

Resources

Index

Backers

Like what you’re reading? Buy the book now at Amazon or Powell’s. 

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